im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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