he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
