i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
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