I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon�
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
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