I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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