just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
