How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
