It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
That reminds me...we need to get swords
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
