No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Actions speak louder than pants.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Someone came in the potted fern
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Randomize
