1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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