By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
