Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
