I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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