Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
