I just threw up on my dentist
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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