Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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