you have to choose: penises or morals?
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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