I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
i am craving dick and cupcakes
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
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