If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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