even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
