i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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