Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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