I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
