I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I pour the whiskey from now on
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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