I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Randomize
