one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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