just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Randomize
