What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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