Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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