My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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