I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Randomize
