His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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