i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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