She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
