My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
