is your mom at the bar?
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Randomize
