just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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