Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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