fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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