come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
