there's paper in my vomit.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
you are never too drunk for berry picking
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
