New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
