please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Randomize
