I think I won the penis lottery.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
