I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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