Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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