Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I just found puke in my bra..
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
