i was rollin on her like bob the builder
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
