i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I intend to get homeless drunk
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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