Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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